


Age is Unforgivable

by littlelizzyann



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, silly silly crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelizzyann/pseuds/littlelizzyann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What does it take to make an honest man of Severus Snape?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Age is Unforgivable

"Mother's maiden name?"

"Eileen Prince."

"Occupation?"

"Ah...chemist."

"Age?"

"Precisely what is the meaning of that?"

"Mr....er...Snape, we just need to know, for the record, how old--"

"What are you insinuating? I suppose you think I'm too old for her? That I swept her off her feet with my mesmerizing voice and my dark and brooding persona? That I somehow enchanted her to overlook my beaky nose and my hair...and yes it is greasy! You try bending over a cauldron eight hours a day and see what happens. And no, I was _not_ shagging her while she was a student. How dare you suggest such a thing, you degenerate! _Crucio!_ "

" _Finite Incantatum._ Honestly, Severus. Harry _did_ apologize for that. And I rather doubt this poor man knows I was once your student. And you're mixing your metaphors. Perhaps we could try this again, without the dramaturgy?"

"Frankly, Hermione, I don't see the point-"

" _Severus_..."

"If we must. _Obliviate_ "

*****

"Age?"

"..."

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that, Sir."

"I _said_ thirty-two."

"Severus!"

"But Mr....ah, Snape, it says here on your passport that you were born in--"

"And I suppose you'd believe some idiotic piece of paper over me? _Imperio!_ Now listen to me, you moronic Muggle. You will ignore whatever tripe you've read about my age. If those lovelorn dunderheads writing those insipid stories about our _great romance_ can't manage simple addition, I see absolutely no reason why _you_ should imagine yourself a mathematician. And _you_ , Hermione--would it have been so difficult to conjure a paper that did not give this twit the idea I've one foot in the grave? It's not as if he knows I'm in the prime of my life, with his pathetic Muggle beliefs about morbidity."

"Which is rather the point. Severus, you can't keep casting Unforgivables on Muggles--"

"It's just the one Muggle--"

"Regardless. Quite apart from the legal issue--and do you think I want to have to explain conjugal visits to the guards at Azkaban?--somebody might tell this fellow to go hang himself, and then where would--oooh, grab him!"

"...I see your point. _Obliviate_."

"Severus, do you think perhaps you should remove the Unforgivable first?"

"Bugger.

"...what?! Get off me, you pervert! I don't care _what_ Malfoy told you; it was a very long time ago and nothing more than salacious rumor-mongering! And even if it weren't, I would have better taste than to desire an interlude with a flabby, spotty, balding--agggghhhh!"

" _Finite Incantatum._ Do you think there might be a chance of getting this done sometime this afternoon? I'm supposed to have tea with Minerva, and I shouldn't like to have to explain to her why I was delayed."

"Why you weren't sorted into Slytherin, I shall never understand. _Obliviate._ "

*****

"Age? Wait, don't tell me...I'm rather good at guessing these things. People say I've got a bit of the psychic in me..."

" _Occlumens._ "

"I really don't think that's going to be necessary, Severus."

"...I'm getting an impression. It's very clear...you're 54! I am right, aren't I? ...Um, sir, your...pen seems to be leaking green...sparks?"

"Severus Snape! If you are so much as _thinking_ of using the Killing Curse I will track down that fourth Unforgivable and--"*

"Hermione, I assure you that that is no more than a vile rumor, propagated by vicious, misandrist females who--"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Snape."

"Say, you're not a magician, are you? I'm not too bad with the card tricks my--"

"Your input is not wanted. _Obliviate._ "

*****

"Well, everything seems to be in order, Mr.--um, Snape. Say, not to put my foot in it with the new missus, but haven't I seen you in here before?"

"Severus."

"...No."

"Well then, must be the old synapses misfiring. Sure you know how that is, ha ha."

" _Severus._ "

"No."

"Well, would you look at that! I was about to submit an incomplete application! Just one last question, Mr. Snape. Age?"

"...I am forty."

**Author's Note:**

> * The idea of a fourth Unforgivable comes from the fic of the same name by Abby, probably best known for "The Fire and the Rose," but also author of "Rondo Veneziano," one of my all-time favorite PWPs, as well as "The Other Side of Darkness," a wonderfully plotted and characterized long story. All of them can be found at http://www.witchfics.org/abby/
> 
> This scene takes place in the Spring of 2000. Snape's age follows the timeline of the Harry Potter Lexicon--although not Snape's individual page on that site.
> 
> The same source makes Hermione 20, and two years out of school. They only became involved nine months previous, much to Hermione's disgust and in spite of her best efforts. When he finally did consent to her seduction (Snape maintains that a rather stronger method of persuasion was used), he quickly arrived at the conclusion that he had to make an honest woman out of her. Regrettably, he chose that phrasing when he shared the sentiment with her. In return for not becoming a permanent inmate of the fourth floor of St. Mungo's, Snape agreed to a full Muggle wedding (Hermione didn't so much care herself, but her father had his heart set on it, and Hermione had hopes that it would induce him to stop referring to Severus as "that greasy little Humbert."). And thus the above scene transpired (at the district superintendent registrar's office, and 15 days in advance of the ceremony, if my googling was accurate).
> 
> Originally posted on my lj in August 2006.


End file.
